I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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