Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize