So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
