i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
