new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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