I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
