so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
