Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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