My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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