I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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