Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
