Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
