I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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