ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
