oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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