how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
