after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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