The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Randomize
