i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
