He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
