Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize