Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
