I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
