Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
