and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just cropdusted the office
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
