You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
