just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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