My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
