You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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