4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
