evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
