dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
