just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
