I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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