did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
