I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
