roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
