I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
