I met the friendliest cop last night
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
