I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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