My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize