Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
