I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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