Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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