weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
