Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
