Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
