I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
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