so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
