My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so let's talk penis.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
