Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
