Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
worst night to have a conscience
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize