Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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