Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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