i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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