I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
