a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
