He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize