Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
