Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
