I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
