How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
