if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
