he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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